Struggles to conquest....Failures to Success

I look back on my life these past two decade and I see a lot of turmoil. I mean I am sure y'all think my life was awesome, simply bc I am/was able to mask my feelings. It was a defense mechanisim I learned at a very early age. The truth is, with the exception of the past 2 years or so, I was miserable and had been miserable for many, many years.

Some know my childhood years were not peachy keen. I think partially that is what has made me the way I am today. The good and the bad. Sad fact, but true. Those that I grew up with saw this first hand. I never lashed out though. I just stuck my head in the books and excelled in my studies and became a workaholic. I figured if I wasn't at home, I didn't need to see/feel the pain.

I lost my sister, not literally...she is still alive lol, but I lost the ability to HAVE a sister. She was sent away when I was 13. Sent away bc no one wanted to listen to her cries for help. Sent away bc her soul was in turmoil.I missed out on that close sister bond from age 13 to my 30s. A part of me died that day...and I am sure it did with my sister as well. After that day I learn the fateful lesson that I still struggle with to this date...when something is wrong, or is considered taboo by society, hide it away and pretend it is not there. Thanks for that lesson. Really appreciate it.

Life didn't get much easier either. I looked for what I thought was love and acceptance in all the wrong places. My soul was tormented, in pain, still crying out for help...but no one would listen. I tried to be that perfect child, simply so I could get SOME attention. Any attention. Never worked. I started becoming very angry inside. I hated everyone. I hated myself. I started drinking. I started drugs. My life was on a downward spiral of self loathing. I surrounded myself with people who were hurting like me. What I thought was "love" was control. But hey, I was getting attention right? I lost the friends that cared and gained the friends that cared what they could use me for. I lost friends to drugs, suicide, alcohol, etc. Then that fateful day came when I crashed.....HARD. Sad thing is, that is not what got me out of this battle. Up until 2 years ago I was still in emotional turmoil. I went from one bad relationship to another, confusing love for the desire to be accepted.

I guess at this point you might be wondering, what brought this whole thing out. Well, I was looking for a picture for throwback Thursday and caught a glimpse into my past. Of what I looked like 5-6 years ago, and it was not pleasant. I was sick. Physically, emotionally and mentally sick. I was suffering from bulimarexia. For those who don't know what the is, it is when you purge food as a way to cope, then bc of the guilt associated with purging you just don't eat for days. I was maybe 105lbs soaking wet. It was very scary to see me in that manner. To see the sadness in my eyes. To see the pain. I NEVER want to go back to that place...ever.....and I won't.

Over 2 years ago, when I met my now fiancé, I was still broken badly. I had a lot of stuffed down hurt and emotions. I had a wall thicker than the Great Wall of China around my heart. He took the time (and still is taking the time) to slowly chisel away at that wall. He knows my pain, my hurt and some of what I have gone through, and he doesn't care. He doesn't care that I have a issue with trust, he works with me to help me understand that I can trust him. He knows that I still to this day struggle with my eating disorder, and tells me daily how beautiful I am. He knows that all I long for is true, unconditional love...and he gives me that. He has a level of patience and understanding I didn't even think was possible.

So yeah, I have gone through my share of struggles and failures, but these have made me who I am today. I am no longer a person who cowers or hides in the face of adversity. I stand tall and proud and take it head on. My ninja warrior status has been activated and it will never be turned off. I have learned to forgive, to drop the hatred and learn to accept that the choices that people have made are on them and I have no reason to be upset about it anymore. I have gained a sense of peace and calm in my life that is like a breath of fresh air. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders...my heart is free to be loved and to give love.