*WARNING* This blog will potential piss people off....but I don't care.

Yeah, so the heading says it all.

Why will this blog of mine piss some people off? Well it is because it is on the topic of religion.

 *the masses scream in terror* OH NO SHE OPENED UP THE FORBIDDEN BOX!!!

Damn right I did!

Now I know they say never talk about politics and religion bc all it does is cause fights and breaks in friendship. Well, the way I look at it is this, if you totally dislike me after what you are about to read, then you were never really a friend in the first place. That being said...here goes nothing!

 re·li·gion
 riˈlijən/
 noun 

The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, esp. a personal God or gods. 

 Hmmm, that is very vague. Vague enough for me not to buy into it. I am not religious. I do not *say* I am part of the "so-and-so" religion. I am spiritual if you just HAVE to give me a label. I do believe in God. Yes, my atheist friends I do. I don't judge you if you don't. I still lovers ya! I don't, however, believe in the "savior of us all" aspect of Christianity/Catholicism/etc. (Yeah, that statement will piss off a few of my buddies). I am sorry, I just can't anymore. I can't "buy" into the whole concept of a Messiah, when many religions over the years (centuries) claim to have a Messiah, but all have different names and times that their particular Messiah lived. I was raised in a very strong Christian home...but a very (no offense) messed up church. However, that is not what changed my mind on what I believe. Life experiences changed that.

I have read the Bible more than a dozen times. I see a common thread throughout and that is of love. Ok, cool, love. I can dig that. After a quick Google search I found that the word "love" is mentioned approx. 697 times. What I don't understand that if that seems to be a common denominator in the Bible...then why do some religions act so darn hateful? The word "hate" is in there a meer 60 times. So if the main teaching is that of LOVE why do so many religions preach HATE?

Here is a couple biggies for y'all... I DO NOT HATE PEOPLE OF DIFFERING.... races beliefs sexual orientations anything.... I DO NOT HATE....PERIOD. Do I agree with some things? Nope. However, I do not hate. I hate the ACTIONS, but love the PERSON.

Do I hate my friend  from British decent because I am from Irish? Umm...no.
Do I hate my other friends who don't believe in God? Nope, not at all.They are AWESOME people with GREAT HUGE LOVING hearts.
Do I hate my 2 sisters bc they are gay? Heck no, I love them both to pieces!

See, I wasn't taught to not hate. In fact, it was very confusing what I was taught to be honest. In church I was told to hate this and love that. However, I always question why I should hate someone who was different than me.

As most of you know, I was in a relationship for quite a few years with a woman. Did I think I was this awful person bc I was? No. Did I hate those who told me I was going to Hell? No. Those that treated me no better than a dirt filled wad of gum on the bottom of a shoe, did I hate them? Nope. I hated the action, the words, not the person. I am now engaged to a wonderful man, who I see as my guardian angel. Not because he "saved me from my homosexual lifestyle", but because he showed me true unconditional love and showed me that I was worth every bit of it. See, that is what makes me different than those with the same belief as me.

Now mind you, not all are hateful and whatnot, but the number of people that are astounds me. My best friend in the WORLD is Jewish, yet she got "pooped" on bc she converted from Christianity. Not by those in the Jewish community, they accepted her with open arms, it was those who were in the Christian family. Umm....WTF?! Christianity and Judaism have the same core beliefs!!!! Why would you hate on someone who has the same belief in God as you? Oh...is it bc the Jewish community does not feel Jesus is the Messiah? The Savior? Well, I am sorry...that is a STUPID reason to be hateful. I say to people who say that, stop being self righteous, over zealous people that think it is your way or the highway.

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:8

...this is from the NEW TESTAMENT. Judaism does not study the New Testament, yet they are more understanding with this concept then the religions that DO study the New Testament.

This being said...I look at the Bible (or any other religious book) as more of a book of instruction. It is the instructions on how to live a life under that particular religion. The Bible is "the written word of God". Now, how do we know for ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that the man who wrote these words didn't put their own twist on them? Hmm??

"The King James Version (KJV), commonly known as the Authorized Version (AV) or King James Bible (KJB), is an English translation of the Christian Bible for the Church of England begun in 1604 and completed in 1611.[2] First printed by the King's Printer Robert Barker,[3][4]this was the third translation into English to be approved by the English Church authorities." 

Let's look at that one line..."approved by the English Church authorities". So, basically a group of men, who had a set of particular beliefs, approved this version. Does that mean that is was the literal word of God, or the edited version APPROVED by these men? This is why I don't put much stock in the words in the Bible.

Now, I will say the Old Testament of the Bible I find very interesting, simply bc the majority of it has been proven as fact. Which to me is a really cool thing,. :) I am going to end this with a recent article that brought tears to my eyes...

 http://www.dovechristiancounseling.com/MentalIllness.html

This is a "Christian's" view on mental illness. I am sorry but it really fucking (yes I swore) hurt to read this. I have mental illness, I am not ashamed of it. I have OCD, Panic/Anxiety Disorder among other fun things. I am NOT demon possessed. I am NOT this horrible person. I am a person, who by no fault of my own, has issues. I suffer day to day with these issues...but ya know what? The struggles with myself are NOTHING compared to the struggle I have dealing with closed minded people like the person who wrote this article. I have learned to deal with my "issues" (for lack of a better term) without medications, but I know some can't. I use meditation, writing, exercise and yoga. My head has never felt clearer.

I am sorry, but if people just followed the premise behind that one word said almost 700 times, things would not be so effin complicated. I love all my friends. The ones of varying beliefs. The straight, gay, lesbian, bi, trans, whatever ones. The ones with BiPolar, Schizophrenia, BPD, etc. The ones who are sick. The ones who are poor/rich. The ones with disabilities. Those who, in societies eyes, deserve to be hated. The ones who have shown nothing but ill will and hatred towards me, yeah, I love them too. The only thing I hate is the hateful actions and the hateful words people spew towards each other.

I guess what I am trying to say in this long, and slightly winded, post is stop friggin judging and hating on people simple bc they differ from what you do/think/believe/act/whatever....that is just stupid.

Struggles to conquest....Failures to Success

I look back on my life these past two decade and I see a lot of turmoil. I mean I am sure y'all think my life was awesome, simply bc I am/was able to mask my feelings. It was a defense mechanisim I learned at a very early age. The truth is, with the exception of the past 2 years or so, I was miserable and had been miserable for many, many years.

Some know my childhood years were not peachy keen. I think partially that is what has made me the way I am today. The good and the bad. Sad fact, but true. Those that I grew up with saw this first hand. I never lashed out though. I just stuck my head in the books and excelled in my studies and became a workaholic. I figured if I wasn't at home, I didn't need to see/feel the pain.

I lost my sister, not literally...she is still alive lol, but I lost the ability to HAVE a sister. She was sent away when I was 13. Sent away bc no one wanted to listen to her cries for help. Sent away bc her soul was in turmoil.I missed out on that close sister bond from age 13 to my 30s. A part of me died that day...and I am sure it did with my sister as well. After that day I learn the fateful lesson that I still struggle with to this date...when something is wrong, or is considered taboo by society, hide it away and pretend it is not there. Thanks for that lesson. Really appreciate it.

Life didn't get much easier either. I looked for what I thought was love and acceptance in all the wrong places. My soul was tormented, in pain, still crying out for help...but no one would listen. I tried to be that perfect child, simply so I could get SOME attention. Any attention. Never worked. I started becoming very angry inside. I hated everyone. I hated myself. I started drinking. I started drugs. My life was on a downward spiral of self loathing. I surrounded myself with people who were hurting like me. What I thought was "love" was control. But hey, I was getting attention right? I lost the friends that cared and gained the friends that cared what they could use me for. I lost friends to drugs, suicide, alcohol, etc. Then that fateful day came when I crashed.....HARD. Sad thing is, that is not what got me out of this battle. Up until 2 years ago I was still in emotional turmoil. I went from one bad relationship to another, confusing love for the desire to be accepted.

I guess at this point you might be wondering, what brought this whole thing out. Well, I was looking for a picture for throwback Thursday and caught a glimpse into my past. Of what I looked like 5-6 years ago, and it was not pleasant. I was sick. Physically, emotionally and mentally sick. I was suffering from bulimarexia. For those who don't know what the is, it is when you purge food as a way to cope, then bc of the guilt associated with purging you just don't eat for days. I was maybe 105lbs soaking wet. It was very scary to see me in that manner. To see the sadness in my eyes. To see the pain. I NEVER want to go back to that place...ever.....and I won't.

Over 2 years ago, when I met my now fiancé, I was still broken badly. I had a lot of stuffed down hurt and emotions. I had a wall thicker than the Great Wall of China around my heart. He took the time (and still is taking the time) to slowly chisel away at that wall. He knows my pain, my hurt and some of what I have gone through, and he doesn't care. He doesn't care that I have a issue with trust, he works with me to help me understand that I can trust him. He knows that I still to this day struggle with my eating disorder, and tells me daily how beautiful I am. He knows that all I long for is true, unconditional love...and he gives me that. He has a level of patience and understanding I didn't even think was possible.

So yeah, I have gone through my share of struggles and failures, but these have made me who I am today. I am no longer a person who cowers or hides in the face of adversity. I stand tall and proud and take it head on. My ninja warrior status has been activated and it will never be turned off. I have learned to forgive, to drop the hatred and learn to accept that the choices that people have made are on them and I have no reason to be upset about it anymore. I have gained a sense of peace and calm in my life that is like a breath of fresh air. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders...my heart is free to be loved and to give love.